Memories

Born October 2nd 1956. I am now 49 years old, going through menopause, trying to hold down a job and keep what’s left of my sanity.

Its funny how memories can make you so sad…thinking about when I was 4 and 9 makes me want to cry a lot of the time. When I was 4 my mother accidentally pushed me down the stairs. I hit my head on the door at the bottom of the staircase…it knocked me out for a while, when I came to she was calling my oldest brother on the phone to come and look at me. He came of course, looked me over and talked to mother. I could hear them talking about me…saying things like, it could have hurt me and I should see the doctor…I don’t know what was wrong with mom…she was crying and talking about me being too smart and how the boys were not as smart as me when they were little… in a "tone" that sounded to me, as though my mother didn’t like me much.

My sitter who later became my sister-in-law, use to hit me with a belt when I would do things she didn’t like…it wouldn’t take much to get her mad at me …most of the time it was because I left my toys in the floor or because I wouldn’t eat what she fixed or get dressed when she told me too. My mother never did anything about it.

After I started school, I had a different sitter, an older cousin of my mother…that woman wouldn’t even let me play. I had to sit on the couch and be totally quiet. If I sassed her… as she called it …she would lock me in the bathroom as punishment. One time she put me in there, and left me in there for 4 hours. I was a scared, cold and hungry. I covered up with an old towel, climbed into the bathtub and fell asleep. Mom again…never did anything about it.

My brothers are way, way older than me. They were all married when I was little. For some reason … that I can’t remember, I had to go stay at my second brother’s house one time. This particular sister-in-law made me go outside and sit on the porch…she said it was because she didn’t want me waking her daughter up. I was supposed to sit there…not play, get up or make noise until my brother got home. She too left me there for hours, but at least she brought me a glass of water once and sat it down next to me. Gee!
I got in trouble after I was taken home…I told mom about my sis in law not liking me…she spanked me with a hickory stick until my legs bled…she thought I was lying. Mom spanked me! …it was my sis in law that needed the punishment.

We went out of state to visit with my parents' family for some reason one year. Mom left me with her younger sister for a while. After my mom had gone, she said to me… “I don’t know what to do with you”. I wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV…I even promised to be real quiet and just sit there…. "Oh no" she said…”I cant let you do that, I have things to do”…. so she made me go out in the back yard. There was nothing to do out there, nowhere to sit, nothing to play with. So I said “Where should I go? What can I do”? She replied “I don’t know…just go over there!” (waving her hand). So, there is where I went and stayed for three hours… I stood there waiting for my mother to get back. It had started to drizzle rain…she didn’t even come to check on me. Did mom do anything about her sisters so called hospitality? NO!

My mom and dad were having BIG problems nearly all of my childhood. These affected me in many ways, but one incident still stands out. My mom wanted to give me away! She had arranged for me to be fostered out to a well-known family in our hometown. I didn’t realize what was happening when I went to meet them, until I got there. The lady was very nice when she said, “you will be our little girl” and I unknowing replied, “I don’t think I could do that, mommy would be mad at me”. I was supposed to stay there for 2 hours until someone could come back to get me…but after about an hour of being so sad, the lady called my mother to come and pick me up. She came…and was upset with me because I didn’t stay the whole 2 hours. Walking home I remember her telling me…where she was going she couldn’t take me…she had to go alone…and maybe she would come back for me in a few years, when I got older. Then to make things worse…when we got home, here comes my third brother, sitting down to talk to me, telling me that its all for the best. This is what I need to do. Stupid me ask him to let me stay there, with him; after all he was my brother. "No" he says, he has children of his own and can't take care of me. I died; right there, I just died. I had three grown brothers and my mother felt she needed to give me to strangers.

I supose, in her own way, she wanted the best for me. But this memory has hurt me all my life.
Although I never understood mama...I loved her anyway.

Think I come from a dysfunctional family? Its highly possiable!

I could tell lots more and maybe I will someday. I don’t know why no one liked me. I was just a sad little girl. Trying to get through childhood.

Sometimes memories just aren’t very funny!